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The Daily Alpha - Alternative Thinking on the Overthrow of Saint Augustine… and “Tim”

The Daily Alpha - Alternative Thinking on the Overthrow of Saint Augustine… and “Tim”

Garrett Baldwin



June 21, 2016

Dear reader,

We apologize for the delay in not providing content as we were completing the latest round of Modern Trader.

The Daily Alpha will resume on Wednesday, June 22, and we'll be sending this out via email in the near future. For now, please sign up at Finalternatives.com for the daily newsletter that features the Daily Alpha.

For your reading pleasure, we provide a review of the Floridian, a restaurant in St. Augustine. This satiric review prompted Modern Trader and Alpha Pages editor Garrett Baldwin to be permanently banned from Yelp.

Though it is not on matters of finance, it covers a typical theme you might have read before. Enjoy.

The Floridian: A Restaurant Review

My family wanted to shake bad vibes and munch on gnarly grub. 

Having driven a sanguine stretch of Interstate 95 for two hours, my belly needed fulfillment from east Florida's premiere gluten-free, dolphin-friendly, anti-war, locally sourced refuge where revolutions start in a drum circle and end with a side of cilantro mayo.

From the moment we approached this leafy tabernacle, we knew we might finally tear down the corporations. The menu promised pulled pork and green tomatoes, served on toasted bread with an ironic, yet lifeless stare from our waitress, StarPhish. 

We arrived at 1 p.m. 

There, a young couple - still unbroken by the capitalist machine - just sat down at a high top. The five of us sat, the only other customers on the patio. 

StarChaser arrived six minutes later, gifting sacramental water and iced tea. Soon, flocks of tourists anchored to nearby patio tables. Another dyad sauntered in with the same unruly swagger of expats in Managua, unhinging our vibes and puncturing our resolve. Minutes later, SwashBuckle returned. Our water levels were now un-chill, so we beckoned another helping from the rain gutter.

Then, SnapDragon, using a vegan pen, manicured our order across a hemp pad: First, an appetizer of green tomatoes. The main courses: two orders of BBQ pork sandwiches, a swag metaphor for us literally devouring capitalist swine. Next, two salads, simple gifts from organic farm co-ops. 

Then there was Tim. 

He ordered a hamburger, which raised eyebrows from proximate herbivores. "Was he one of us?" I thought. "Maybe not? No." StarBucks, with her slim spectacles and dull gaze, rushed to the belly of the restaurant, where I assume, she mocked Tim for requesting a cattle's slaughter for his dietary pleasure. 

For years, I knew Tim was not one of us. His floral-patterned polo was quilted by child labor, I'm sure of it. Our server SnapChat also knew Tim lacked a desire to overthrow the system and replace paper money with a currency of hand signals. 

SnaggleTooth returned with a pile of green tomatoes, layering a loaf of slumbering gluten. SnoreWagon asked if we needed anything, and I asked for a second iced tea, which was rationed by her pregnant rival, Volkswagon.

Five more minutes turned to ten, which turned to 15. Exhausted, we soon noticed diners at nearby tables had already eaten their meal and departed. The capitalist swine that entered after us had already received a meal. Tim growled, distracted. He looked to SmashMouth, who was taking an order from the same table where the first couple had just departed. 

"It's coming soon," SmartPhone said. "We're very busy today." Another table that arrived after us now called SharkShow for the check.

As we questioned the work ethic of our brethren at this St. Augustine speed bump, my fiancé began to consider cannibalism as a final option. The desperation of our preferred economic system had quickly revealed itself. We wondered how long it took to chop a salad, pull pork from a metal bowl and mount it on a bread slice, or flip raw cattle over an open flame.

It was now 1:48. We had ordered 39 minutes ago. Another table ordered. As SlugWorm hollowly glanced to us, she raised a twisted finger: "Your ticket is next in the window."

After 40 minutes of watching meals we ordered arrive at other tables, we would feast. Nourished, we would then storm the St. Augustine fort, overthrow the lady park ranger, fill the moat with our enemies' skulls, and begin the revolution.

But time ticked: one minute, two minutes, three minutes, four. My disillusion with the Floridian accelerated. I felt the same regret with former presidents. I felt how many Cubans felt years after the Revolution. I now knew the pain of Dostoyevsky.

Then, Tim growled ten words that doomed our movement: "If someone else gets our food before us, we're leaving." 

Weak from undernourishment, I agreed. It was now 1:54 p.m., and I regretted not eating the green tomatoes on the bread coffin. 

Seconds later, a bus boy opened the door, holding a pulled pork sandwich and a salad. "VICTORY," I cried. I prayed SnakeCharm would soon exit holding my comrades' other plates.

But the bus boy pivoted to the two-top table that entered 25 minutes after us. 

There, he redistributed my pulled pork to the masses.

We stood, spiking the allergy-free napkins we'd been given by StrepThroat and scaled the potted plants. When approached, the manager seemed distracted and snickered something about not having to pay for the tomatoes. I assume he took our food, cut it in equal portions, and distributed it among the workers. 

To add insult, Volkswagon thanked us for coming, even though they never served us. 

Our plan for revolt was crushed by poor service, a lack of customer care, and an inability to cook basic foods on deadline.

We soon visited a chain restaurant with a functioning kitchen, a trained wait staff, and an abundance of sugar. 

In the future, we'll give capitalism a chance. 















































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